T-shirt Surgery Disasters

I taught a t-shirt alteration lesson at Girls Inc today for 9-11 year olds. In addition to learning some hideous diy alteration techniques (I have a Hanes halter now!) we also emblazoned our shirts with positive slogans. Here is a short list of rejected slogans developed with the help of some of my best friends.

-Embrace Failure
-Smoke a bank
-Piss Clear
-I watched 90210 and I was just like "What?"
-Who the fuck is Lady Gaga
-Save your fork, there's pie
-Read Gay Books
-Grow your own tattoos
-Lose til you're ok with it
-A guilty pleasure is still a pleasure
-Mama Didn't say nothing bout today
-Still Hyphey after all these years

Still collecting/rejecting slogans.

Mystery Meat

Transcription of mysterious, melodramatic text session, midnite, 1/26:

X: I want you to know that I regret not getting to see you when you lived in my town. I'll meet you again one day, probably in a place where neither of us lives.
Me: Wait! Who is this?? (classic- ed.)
X: See! You'll never know now. Don't worry about it until we meet agian.
(Here I recall fumbling with my drink in the bathroom of the Bishop, trying not to drop my phone in the toilet.)
Me: Fart...
X: I know. See you again someday, neither here nor there, but perhaps with hot dogs.

Psych Scream

The psychology study office had a bright red ink pen and a framed poster of The Scream. I thought about stealing the pen to prove I was impulsive, no matter what the test claimed, but I left it alone after a couple of scribbles.
The test just pathologized interestingness.
I was awkward, laughing at my navy nails, enumerating an example pharmocopia I'd consumed: "Uh...mushrooms, ritalin...cocaine...eleven beers." In the pizza industry it's called an Around the World.
The babe in the flowing shirt betrayed no empathy as she administered the questions. Alluring, with a cool aloofness, she inquired how many people I'd boned. She fluttered a stack of papers. It takes a lot to look good in institutional lighting. I thought about stuttering a humble number, but moreso I thought about asking her out for a drink later.

Games We Can Play

1. Blurb Generator
I met a gentleman last night whose gay porn novel, Backwoods, featured some heavy-hitting blurbs on the back-- from no less than the likes of Dennis Cooper and Kevin Killian. I was impressed. Blurbs are one of my favorite formats to read and shouldn't be left in the hands of laymen.
This includes band blurbs. Bloomington show flyers are notoriously plastered with some cringe-inducing sonic descriptors. It's a shame that terms like "epic," "blackened," and "blistering" get so overused when this could be a chance for the town's aspiring word nerds (your humble narrator) to step up and offer some more inspired interpretations.
This is why I have created the Band Blurb Generator.
Show promoters who are unsure of how to sum up the sounds on their bill can look no further. Take one word from each column. Mix and match!
This thing could definitely be expanded.Consider creating a band to fill the genre you've just created. Build your culture, up the punks, etc.

2. Twilight Telephone
In Twilight Telephone I describe what I understand to be the plot of Twilight (violent vampire sex, unlikely gestation periods, something with werewolves) as it was told to me by my friend Catherine, who has seen the movie, to somebody else who is unfamiliar with the movie/series. Then they have to repeat the plot to the first person (ex. Catherine) or somebody who IS familiar with Twilight.
Then we all have a laugh about how this distorted recap is still not as fucking nuts as the original article.

3. Mating Failure
This is the one where I retroactively use context clues to come to the conclusion that the rando I gave my number to is in a pretty seriously relationship. Examples: Rando and girlfriend making plans together, kissing.

Play smart, play safe,
Love,
Erin